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Sometimes we have to cry out all our tears,
To make room for a heart full of smiles (:
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Friday, August 28, 2009
A Story Took me some time to think about just what had happened It fell, and I wiped away my tears Bear with me for this is going to be a lengthy post Here it goes.. I very much wanted to let out everything that I've bottled up inside me Trust me, so bad that all I can afford to was cry myself to sleep most of the nights I'm slowly trying hard to erase the thoughts about all of the troubles and incidents created in friendships recently I'm slowly backing out from everything and everyone, trying my hardest to forget the hurt it caused me deeply. I'm sorry guys, but I am Tell me where can I find more strength, when I am gradually losing it myself? Nevertheless, I still am trying. He is my very good friend who understands me and cares about me when others bring me down. His family, I really adore. Very much. Same goes to Fai's family who treated me like their own. I made a trip to the hospital yesterday, as I had promised Syam way earlier that I would accompany him the whole day there. 27th August is the big day for his Mum. Surgery cum birthday. Reached the Atrium, he bough a soft Winnie d Pooh pillow from the 7-11 store, and I bought a bouquet of flowers, with a handwritten small card from Syam for Mama. Roses, is what she liked, claimed Syam. I guess that's enough. Simple and pretty. We waited for about 6hrs plus long, out of the total of close to 8hrs that accumulated to the total time it took for the whole operation to be completed. A lot of things ran through my mind, both happy and terrifying thoughts. That whole waiting time was really nerve-wrecking. At some point of time, I glanced over at Syam and I saw his calm face, waiting impatiently in silent. Taking some time off to talk to me, laugh, and joke around with his lil cousin, Farah. Silent again. Deep down, I knew how scared he was thinking about his Mum. I'm scared too, who doesn't? Finally after much waiting, we got to meet his Mum. Crowded the bed and looked down at her. I teared, upon seeing Mama Maryam's condition. Often muttering the word 'Pain'. I knew how excruciating the pain might be. She squeezed my hand, and I squeezed hers back. Watched how Syam frequently stroked her hair gently, took care of her needs. Really touched my heart. Time passed by, and evening came. By then, Kak Lijah (Syam's elder Sis) and her family had gone home. While Syam left the room, I stood standing by the bed holding Mama Maryam's hand, watching her over. And then came Nek Su (Fai's grandmother), Mama Shidah (Fai's mum) and Nizam in the room. They talked gently to her and caress her hair, stroked her hands and etc.. Nek Su yet again pulled my hand and asked me the same question every time we meet in which all I did was just afford a smile, "Biler Wirni nak datang JB?". Even Mama Shidah told me it's been a while since she last heard of me and saw me. I do love and care much for these two most wonderful ladies in Fai's life. Ohh, if only they knew! We left Mama Maryam for a while to break our fast at the food court. Outside, I saw Syam sitting down waiting. His teary red eyes instantly told me they're fresh from crying. I knew it! You are strong ok? You can endure this. And Fai was waiting for us downstairs as they can't allow more than 3 person up visiting the High Dependency ward. I turned and saw him, stunned. I didn't expect that small accident he encountered while at work as told by Syam that afternoon recently could result in him being in that kind of condition. Anyone will be taken aback too if they were to see him in person, trust me. And it really, really breaks my heart even more. Eyes really swollen, covering his whole right side of the face, looking extremely tired and shagged, what more with him taking on 2 jobs currently. I had difficulty swallowing and finishing up my meal knowing he is there sitting directly opposite me during dinner with that kind of condition but I tried not to think too much. It was hard for me to carry on, battling hard against myself to stop me from watching over him with so much pain that I felt in me. I just have to pretend things are perfectly fine, when they are not. Spent the rest of the night having small conversations with the family and staying close by Mama Maryam's side, till visiting hours are over. Took turns to say our goodbyes to her. Again, I'm close to tears as I saw Nizam caress and kissed her forehead. We left, and Syam decided to stay a while more and took the last train home that night. And so I sent Nek Su, Mama Shidah, Nizam and Fai off at the taxi stand. I don't know what it meant, but for the very first time I got a long hug from Mama Shidah before they boarded the cab, witnessed by the others. It was deep and comforting, and I really needed it at that very moment. Like as if a Mother's instinct really knew. And lastly, waving Fai goodbye was the hardest thing I did yesterday. All I could do was return his smile and contain my emotions. As I saw the cab drove off, I turned, let out a tear and left. At last, I couldn't help it but called up Liana in the train and poured out, everything. From being hurt myself, to seeing my loved ones hurting inside. Not caring if people were watching me tearing there and then. Thanks darla, for understanding. I guess I was too overwhelmed with emotions and all of the recent happenings around me lately. Met Tot and 3 other Endangs at Woodlands as I had to return my costume. I guess Tot had already sensed something was not right with me. Like she had always knew. The phrase "I'm fine.. I'm really fine.." seems useless despite the countless times I repeated it before her. No matter how much I kept denying, the tears that fell freely soon after says it all. There. I let it all out in front of the girls. Even if it doesn't help me feel any better, I just kept tearing. I wanted to say more, but I rather I stop my entry here. To Syam, don't worry 'coz I will always pray for you and your family. Breathe, let go. And remind yourself that this very moment is the only one you know you have for sure. May your Mum has a speedy recovery. Insya'Allah, she will. You have to be strong for her. And to you, my dear Fairuz.. What more can I say? Loving you is like breathing. Tell me how can I ever stop? Please, please take very good care of yourself 'coz I may not always be around to remind you that your health is so much more important than your work and everything else. You know I do care about your well being. Always have, and always will. Just stop making me worry about you, will you? Dear Allah, please watch over him, protect him and just keep him safe, wherever he may be. One last thing, I saw the title of a book that Farah was reading at the hosp earlier that afternoon, and it hit me hard. It says, "If you can't love a person who got away, can you at least Love the ones you're with now?". It's something that I think we all should think about and do some reflections on our own. Because we never know it might be too late to feel the regret only after we lose someone precious. Kak Ina told me yesterday, "If it's meant to be, God Willing it will definitely come back to you". No matter what, my loved ones will always be remembered in my prayers. I guess, it's time I focus on the betterment of my own health and my future. Thank you to those who took some time to read this post till the end here You may think it's just another blog entry of mine It may mean nothing to you, but it really means a lot to me Again, I'm deleting all of the painful thoughts that is breaking me apart. Everything And yet again, I teared by the end of this journal I wonder if anyone of you ever did May Allah bless you all with so much love, health and happiness Amin. " Of friendship, family, love, challenges and more " |
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When life knocks you down and out
That is where you ought to stay, and believe |