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Sometimes we have to cry out all our tears,
To make room for a heart full of smiles (:
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Wednesday, January 02, 2008
Do You Even Care? I dun care anymore about everything I repeat, everything! I dun care how many people know about my blog url I dun care if any of my parents' colleagues knew about it too I dun care if each and everyone of you have your own judgement about this post I dun care if this post will make an impact on you people I dun care how many of my daily readers do I have I JUST DUN CARE! You know why? Because I am tired of everything I am tired of getting hurt I am tired of being hurt my whole life I am tired of the appointment trips to TTSH I am tired of eating those medications daily I am tired of people's stares I am tired of people laughing at me I am tired of people glaring but not helping And you must be asking yourself why the sadness? If I have all of the public's eyes looking down at a helpless girl lying on the ground Struggling to break free from this crap shit sickness that she has been suffering her whole entire life I dun see a point why I musnt blog about it and let YOU know Since the whole world already knows about it Countless of times I cried because often, I ask this question to myself Why me? And I do understand 1 thing "Dah ketentuan Illahi..." And I accept that But I cant avoid the feeling of pain that I have to go through each time I had a relasped I cant avoid the feeling of embarassment when I have thousand pairs of eyes staring at me I cant avoid the attack at all I had no power and control over it I can just collapse anytime, anywhere And sometimes even worse, without me realising it happening It happened during show day, without the knowledge of the performers And it happened again today Demi Allah Ibu, I was really doing my FYP project there wif my mates at NLB! At Bugis, where the place is robust with people shopping and chilling It was already evening and I went to the fountain where Jai was waiting for me Suddenly... I collapsed, dropped to the ground And what do I get? Thousands of stares Children's laughter And much worse How humiliated I felt at that time, only God knows Some thought I had been possessed or something, not responding at all Unsure how long I was there lying on the ground And I cried to myself I turned to look at him, saying sorry because I have shamed him as a friend because of this stupid illness And I walked away My eyes filled with tears, to NYP I decided to go Why? Because I dun want to go home just yet I dun want my parents to know this is happening Let me just face this sickness on my own Ive suffered my whole entire life so Im ok! Let them think that the medication that the doctor prescribed me really works When I know it doesnt So what if I have to eat 2 tablets of Tegratol and 1 tablet of Folic Acid each morning? So what if Im refered back to TTSH? They can only increase my dosage and that is just that Nothing more So what if I take my medications regularly? I still am suffering! Just accept that there is no cure for it! "Angah tak mintak ade penyakit nie langsung Kalau dah takdir Allah Angah berpenyakit macam nie, salah siapa? Salah Angah ke? Salah Angah ke Angah pengsan2 kat luar? Salah Angah ke orang semue tengok ketawa kan Angah, tak tolong Angah bangun? Salah Angah ke semua?" And was it wrong for me to go to NYP just because I want to go back wif Along? Just because I chose not to go home instead to not let you know I had suffered 2 attacks in 1 day? And was it my fault that I didnt know that I was going to had another attack in her sch and now her friends knew about me being sick? And what was my fault that all you both do is just to scold and show that you not care? That you asked what is it that NYP has that our home doesnt? And that you asked does NYP provide me my medicines that I chose to go there instead? Why not hospital? Why not home? And let me ask you back, WHAT CAN THE HOSPITAL DO? And what can you do? If you yourself refused to fetch me from NYP, already being informed by Along that I had the attack right there and then? Do you even know that I have had many more attacks before this in school And at home too behind my closed doors? Do you? How do I know that you care? When you dun asked me how am I feeling? You dun give me a hug to calm me down You dun cry for me and feel my pain with me You dun even asked if Im ok or not You dun even asked if I had eaten the whole day or have I not? Its ironic, when you say that NYP does not provide me my medicines Well, actually they do! The people there; Along's friends helped me regain consciousness In which I dun even know for how long I dropped lying on the ground They bought me drink They keep me warm They sat me against the cushion and made me lie down They rubbed my hands and legs to make sure my blood circulation flows THEY are my medicines! And I just kept quiet in the car, close my eyes shut Pretend I dun hear anything when actually those words hurts And it hurts me even more! To know that you left the car and walked away back home Leaving me behind fighting back my tears which eventually flow freely Just Along offering to carry my bag for me And you shut your door without turning back and seeing me to my room Not coming out at all, how does that make me feel? Why Ibu? Why? Anak Ibu SAKIT! Anak Ibu dengan Ayah nie BERPENYAKIT! Salah anak Ibu dengan Ayah ke? For once please put aside whatever you both are thinking Kenape nak marah anak-anak Ibu dengan Ayah dan yang lain? Is my sickness and well being not important to you both? Does the sickness that I carry with me all my life even matter to you? I am still asking myself WHY ME? I know I am not normal like any other people And I accept that I just need strength to carry on Im tired of facing all this I can just throw away the medicines in the bin But I know friends out there are telling me in my face to be strong That they believe I am a strong girl who can endure Allah's test with patience How can I? When I dun even know if both my parents really care for their SICK DAUGHTER? The illness that has possibly no cure Just whispering some prayers to Allah above to have a blessed life? And happiness? That is all the helpless girl is asking for in her daily prayers Im really really tired of all this Im tired of crying too "Ya Allah, sesungguhnya Engkaulah maha pendengar dan maha penyayang" I dun need sympathy I just need to let it all out after today's incident This really pulled me down, putting me to my lowest end in life So what if now YOU know that I am sick? Nothing is changing I am still going to have attacks in public I can still collapse just by the roadside for all I know And many more people will come to know about it I just dun care, coz I am me And this is all that I can do And sadly, as I typed this down... I had tears still flowing down my cheeks Just pondering about the life that Allah has given me Im sorry everyone IM SORRY |
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When life knocks you down and out
That is where you ought to stay, and believe |